


This is me

by Jaemins_smile



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bottom Yangyang, Depression, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Insecurity, M/M, Overdosing, Panic Attacks, Racist Language, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sloppy Makeouts, Smut, kinda??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23408194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaemins_smile/pseuds/Jaemins_smile
Summary: Online hate was the worst in Yangyang's opinion. It always got t him the most.Especially since he's been receiving a lot of it recently, targeting one of his biggest insecurities. His weight.And that how he got here. Bent over the toilet puking up his guts so he wouldn't gain weight.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Liu Yang Yang, Liu Yang Yang/Qian Kun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 142





	This is me

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning. Depression, anorexia, panic attacks, over dosing, racist language
> 
> Don't like don't read. Don't cry to me if you do read and you get triggered

Online hate was the worst, it always left Yangyang feeling horrible about himself and made him depressed. It was in his opinion the worst kind of hate.

Especially when the people hating on him attacked his biggest insecurity, his weight.

He'd always been very skinny and it made him upset, he couldn't seem to put on any weight. His members had pestered him about being too skinny.

The stupid thing however, despite knowing he was skinny, he still felt as if he was fat, just like the comments said he was.

He'd recently began to think that he'd just be better off not eating at all, that wavhe wouldn't be able to gain weight at all, it was genius in Yangyang's mind. Little did he know it wasn't.

It's been a month since he started his unhealthy eating habits. He would eat the smallest amount of food possible and throw it up later.

He would often claim he wasn't feeling good and would eat later when he was feeling better. Later never came, he never felt better.

The pain he felt in his stomach was strange, something he wasn't prepared to deal with. Well, it's what he gets for not eating for a week almost.

He soupposed that's how he got in the predicament he's in now. He was feeling particularly weak today and it also happened to be one of the busiest days of their schedule.

He hadn't eaten anything yet today, he hasn't drank any water, and stupidly enough took his anti depressants, which by the way, he wasn't soupposed to take on an empty stomach.

He felt like he was about to throw and pass out. He couldn't do that yet, he had to finish their radio show. He had to push through it, ignore the concerned looks he was getting from his members and the hosts.

After the show was over it seemed like a switch was flicked inside of Yangyang and he collapsed, free falling for the ground.

Yangyang could hear panicked yelling from around him, but it was like he was underwater, it was muffled, barely audible in his ears.

Then silence.

Black.

His own thoughts swimming past, behind his eyelids. Reminding him of what a failure he was. How pathetic he was for collapsing like that.

Everyone was right. He was useless, he didn't really have anything special to offer the team, he wasn't a valuable asset to them, they'd probably be better off without him.

Maybe he could just die right here, right now, they wouldn't care, no one would. Hell, Yangyang himself wouldn't care if he died.

Sound returned to his ears. His members voices trying to wake him up, asking if he was okay, telling him that they loved him. They didn't, no one did.

Yangyang groaned and turned his head towards the person cradling him in their arms, burying his face in their chest. Lucas, his scent was always comforting.

He smelt like mint, oak, and there was always a slight undertone of his natural musk. It always calmed Yangyang down, no matter what.

"Yangyang baby, can you hear me? We need you to eat and drink some water okay? We don't want you fainting again." Winwin's voice came softly from beside him.

He wanted to answer he did, but all that came out was a whimper, he didn't want to eat, food was bad. Food meant gaining weight. Gaining weight meant more hate. Yangyang couldn't handle more hate, he was barely handling the amount he has now.

Unknowingly tears started pouring from his eyes, soaking Lucas's shirt wet. "No." Yangyang whispered as tears kept falling. He gripped on to the older boys shirt like his life depended on it. He buried his face into Lucas's chest further.

"Liu Yangyang look at me." Ten's voice came next, pulling Yangyang out of whatever dark hole he was spiraling down at the moment, it made the youngest boy raise his head slightly to look at him.

"We aren't going to make you eat an entire feast, we just need to get some form of nutrients in you, okay? Baby you just passed out on us in the middle of a conversation, that's not good. None of us even know when you ate last and we really need you to eat, even if it's the tiniest bit, can you do that for me. For us, baby?" Ten asked gently as he pulled Yangyang's hands from Lucas's shirt to hold them

That was another thing that could always ground Yangyang. Ten's voice. It was soothing to listen to even though it was sometimes pitchy and loud, it would always sooth the raging fire of thoughts in Yangyang's mind and bring him back to earth.

He bit down hard on his lips and nodded his head pathetically.

Lucas helped him to his feet soon after almost having a heart attack when Yangyang's legs gave out under him and he fell for the floor again. Thank GOD he acted fast enough and grabbed onto the boy.

Lucas picked up the petite boy bridal style and carried him where Ten was leading them to get food.

Yangyang felt horrible for not even being able to stand up properly without messing up. He hated himself.

It took Yangyang about fifteen minutes to eat a little less than half the food that was given to him. His members all praised him for eating none the less.

The food he consumed made him feel disgusting and like he gained fifty pounds despite eating such a small amount. He felt like he was going to throw up on the spot but he willed himself not to, he didn't want anyone to be even more upset with him.

Once they were back at the dorm Yangyang went straight to his room, ignoring everything around him. Right now he just needed to cry and sleep.

He could hear the members hushed whispers in the next room, he knew that they were talking about him. Probably about how disappointing and disgusting he was, how pathetic and useless he is.

He jumped in shock when felt a body lay behing him and wrap their arms around his waist. Ten.

He calmed himself a bit but continued to cry. He was ashamed of himself but Ten made no move to stop him so he didn't.

A few weeks passed, things didn't get easier, it seemed as if as the days went by Yangyang's hate only increased. They attacked him mercilessly and for every little thing he did, wether it be looking at one of his members funny, clinging onto Kun to much, messing up the choreography slightly, messing up his lyrics, his voice cracking, etc.

He wasn't handling it well at all. He was loosing sleep over it. He would spend hours in the practice room, perfecting his dancing and his rapping.

The members barely saw him anymore, they were getting worried for him. Sometimes they would wake up and he was just barely coming home.

They could see he was loosing weight. He used to be look so healthy back when they debuted, now he looked sickly. His skin had paled, his hands very boney like a skeletons. His thighs decreased in size at least by three.

Yangyang would always claim that he was okay and that nothing was wrong. He would try and cover up his drastic weight loss with baggy clothing but it never really worked.

Then his secret got out when the stylists decided to put him in shorts. His tiny legs on full display. He was uncomfortable with showing that much of himself on camera but he didn't really have a choice.

As soon as filming was over he rushed to get back in his baggy pants, trying to ignore the stares he was getting from his members.

He felt like shit as he made eye contact with Xiaojun and Hendery, who both looked like they were about to cry as they looked at him.

He understood why. He was their best friend and he looked like he was dying. His legs were practically the size of his forearm and his hip bones we're protruding so much that there was a gap between his pelvis and his pants, they were disgusted with him, he understood.

They were ashamed to be his best friend's.

"Sorry." He muttered and pulled on a shirt and a hoodie to cover up the rest of his disgusting body. He heard a sob escape from one of them at his words but he couldn't bring himself to find out which.

Yangyang turned away swiftly and ran to the back room where his bag was.

He dug through it until he found his bottles of pills. He knew it wasn't time to take the pills but he was spiraling down a dark hole again and his thoughts were running wild.

He recently was diagnosed with anxiety and now had to take meds for that as well. He popped the bottles open and dumped a few of each into his hand.

He swallowed the pills dry, cringing at the feeling of them going down.

He dropped down onto the couch and laid his head against his folded hands, waiting for the pills to kick in. His legs were shaking uncontrollably. He didn't understand what was going on, this never happened.

He was sweating profusely and his breathing was eradic. Yangyang had the worst feeling in his stomach, it getting progressively bad as time went on.

He leaned back in the couch, his whole body shaking violently as he tried to lay still. His head was hurting and his heart was racing, he could barely breathe, his limbs felt numb. Everything was fuzy.

He doesn't know when he passed out but when he woke up there was the sound of a heart monitor in his ears and someone talking loudly on the phone outside the room. Their voice sounded familiar but Yangyang couldn't put a name to it.

He slowly blinked open his eyes, being met with harsh sunlight from the window. Four sleeping figures were laying asleep in the chairs.

Suddenly all the memories came flooding back. He overdosed on his prescriptions and one of his members had to have found him.

Kun and Ten emerged into the room, looking pissed off, their faces not softening what so ever as they looked at Yangyang.

"What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with you?" Kun yelled at the still very out of it German boy.

Kun's loud voice woke up the other boys, startling then out of sleep.

"I- K-kun -"

"No! Yangyang what the hell were you thinking? You overdosed on pills we weren't even aware you were taking! Do you have any idea what happened yesterday?" Ten asked angrily.

Yangyang wasn't used to his members being this angry at him. He shook his head softly as he tried not to cry.

Kun turned on the TV and changed it to the news channel. Waiting for it to play what he wanted.

"Idol and member of the Chinese pop group WayV Liu Yangyang allegedly overdosed on anti anxiety pills and antidepressants on June 21st at 1pm. The scene was caught on camera as his band mates we're holding a live broadcast and were going to find him. In the clip-" Kun paused the news and turned to look at Yangyang who look absolutely mortified.

"What do you have to say?"

"I-I-I don't know. I-i don't- I-i d-don't." He ran his hands through his hair as his breathing picked up. He was horrified by his actions and at the thought of thousands of people seeing him overdosing on a live broadcast.

"Don't you dare Yangyang!"

"Kun! Be easy on him! Don't you think if he overdosed something is wrong and we need to be here for him?" Xioajun questioned the oldest as he got out of the chair to wrap Yangyang in hug.

The youngest sobbed loudly and pulled on his hair. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, honestly I didn't. I-I-I've ruined you guys I'm so sorry." He was shaking in Xiaojun's arms, making the older boy shake as well.

Yangyang was freaking out, he kept babbling nonsense, and apologizing to all of his members. His heart rate picked up dramatically, the boys would've thought it set off the alarm.

He couldn't breathe again, it felt like his lungs had completely closed up and weren't allowing any air into them. He was feeling light-headed as well.

"Baby, you gotta calm down, listen to my voice alright? Calm down, you're okay. No one is mad at you." Winwin spoke quietly as he sat down in the bed next to Yangyang.

He felt a big hand envelope his much smaller one and knew right away that it was Lucas. He gripped the taller man's hand tightly as he tried to calm down.

Hendery carefully combed his fingers through Yangyang's orange hair, lightly scraping his nails across his scalp to soothe him.

However he didn't feel the touch his body craved the most. He didn't feel Ten or Kun, which upset him.

He eventually calmed down from his panic attack but made no move to get the others off him. He just stayed there and they stayed with him.

They didn't complain, they just silently waited until he moved away from them and curled in on himself to sleep again.

"What the hell is wrong with you two!?" Hendery asked as soon as he shoved the other two out of the room with the help of the other three.

"Yangyang just overdosed and you're seriously going to treat him like that? Don't you think he would want you two to be there for him? It's no secret he prefers you two over everyone, he needs you two right now. That's my best friend in there and he's going through a lot right now. Have you seen how thin he's gotten? I could probably fit my hand around his thigh with how tiny it is." Xiaojun said sadly. "He needs you guys okay? Just be there for him. Don't make him feel worse." He said softly and then walked down the hall, the others following.

The two oldest men looked at each other and then entered the room where they could hear the soft whimpers coming from Yangyang as he cried.

Their hearts wrenched at the sound, wanting nothing more than to comfort their baby.

They both made their way to the bed and laid on both sides of him. Kun behind him, hugging him snug against his chest. Ten in front of him, peppering his face with kisses as he gently pet his head.

"I'm sorry." Yangyang said between sobs. He pulled away from both of them and sat up. He buried his face in his hands and slumped forwards.

"Yangyang baby, we know you didn't mean to do it. We were just scared." Kun said and sat up with him.

Ten sat up as well and ran his hand up and down the youngers back to comfort him. "You have nothing to be sorry for Yangyang. It wasn't your fault." He spoke quietly and placed light kisses on the small boys neck.

"You guys hate me now don't you?"

"No! We could never hate you, we could never hate our precious baby boy." Kun said and lifted his head up to capture Yangyang's lips in a sweet kiss.

It felt like forever since Yangyang had been kissed. It probably had been what with the boy overworking himself and never spending time with the older men. It's been forever since he's been touched by either of them, he missed them so much.

He whined loudly and deepened their kiss, earning a surprised sound from Kun.

"Easy baby." Whispered Ten softly . He gently pulled Yangyang back from Kun so he could place a soft kiss to his lips as well.

"We love you Yangie, get some rest baby." The younger didn't protest any and simply nodded and laid back to sleep.

Yangyang was released from the hospital the next day and too his horror there was a mob of angry fans outside waiting for him.

"You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"You're disgusting!"

"Sick fucking druggy!!"

"They should've let you overdose you disgusting German scum!"

"You have a lot of guts showing your face again!"

"Go die!"

Yangyang couldn't breathe, there were tears in his eyes as he was forced through the crowd by his bodyguards and his members.

Lucas could see the younger boys panic and covered his ears as they kept walking.

Hendery pulled Yangyang close to his side, holding him tight as they fought through the angry fans.

Thankfully, Yangyang couldn't hear their foul words anymore, his heart rate had calmed down some and so had his breathing, he thought that maybe they would get out of this okay without anymore hiccups.

Wrong.

He soupposed that some fans were more angry and disappointed in him than others and that's why some fans decided it would be a good idea to assault him.

A female who looked to be Yangyang's age stuck her leg out in front of Yangyang, tripping him and sending him down to the concrete.

He smashed his face in to it hard, scraping the skin from his cheek off. He yelled in pain as the sting in his cheek worsened and blood started forming from it.

He was hoisted to his feet by Xiaojun and rushed forward but it didn't stop there.

The people were getting more and more aggressive and handsy with Yangyang. He was smacked across the face, right in the spot that just got all the skin scraped from it.

At this point he was crying and trembling in Xiaojun's arms.

He could hear all of their nasty comments again, all of their hate. He felt their words tearing through his heart, making his pain worse.

Yangyang knew he was a fuck up but he didn't need others to tell him. He knew he deserved to die. He knew the members should've let him OD. All their comments were true and he couldn't help but nod to them.

The amount of disgusting slurs and other words he was hearing made him sick, but he couldn't say they were wrong.

After what felt like forever he was shoved in to the car and they were driving off to the dorm.  
He clung onto Ten the whole ride, even when they were back at the dorm, he refused to let go.

"Yangyang? How you doing love?"

"I need you.." he whispered so so quietly Ten almost didn't hear him.

He nodded and lead the boy to his bedroom and kissed him softly once the door was closed.  
Ten pushed him down on the bed and climbed on top of him, caging the young boy between his arms and kissed him deeply.

Things progressed from there quickly, their clothes were discarded soon after they laid on the bed.  
Yangyang was a whining, whimpering, moaning, mess underneath Ten as the older man fingered him open and as he thrusted into him.

Ten made sure he was making the younger boy feel every ounce of love he had in his heart for him. He kissed away Yangyang's tears and held his hands throughout the whole time.

He took special care in cleaning him up and once finished pulled Yangyang ontop of himself so they could both sleep.

A week passed before Yangyang was allowed to release his apology for what he had done.

During that time he had taken time off to really think about things and come to terms with everything. He had purposely overdosed. He had wanted to die. He was pathetic for it really, because he couldn't handle what came with being a idol.

The company thought it would be best if he made his apology on a live broadcast.

He was in the safe confines of his bedroom sitting in front of the camera at his desk.

"Hello everyone, it's Yangyang, as you guys know I made a very bad and wrong decision a little over a week ago and I want to sincerely apologize for it. I shouldn't have done it and especially not somewhere where I knew there would be a lot of filming and potentially be fans watching.

"I want to talk about everything today because I know everyone is very upset with me." He sat back in his chair and took a deep breath as he tried not to look at the comments.

"Firstly I want to talk about what was going on in my mind when I did it and why I did it. When I first went for my pills it's was initially because I was having serious anxiety and my mind was spiraling down into a dark place and I wanted to stop it so I went for my meds. And then once I had them I'm not really sure what came over me but for a moment I-" he cut himself off so he didn't start crying.

"Sorry um, once the pills we're in my hand I was staring at them and I was thinking about what I could do with them, and I was thinking that I wanted to end my life. I regret my decision thoroughly and am glad someone found me when they did."

"Now that we've covered that I want to talk about what lead up to the point of me wanting to do the thing I did. Over the past year since my debut I've received a lot of hate, negativity, and death threats, these things that were being said to me truly made me feel like I was unloved and unwanted and like I brought nothing to WayV. The comments I was receiving made me believe no one would miss me if I was gone and should end my life."

"Everything these people would say about me struck me right in my biggest insecurities. They would Target my weight and call me fat and then they'd call me too skinny and tell me I was gross when I lost weight like they asked. They would Target my tiniest of mistakes while performing and make them out to be much worse than they were. They would tell me to kill myself because I didn't matter and no one would care.

"All of these things built up and lead to me doing what I did. I'm not proud of it and I wish I had never done it but during those months of the merciless hate I was getting I lost myself and I wasn't true to who I was or to my heart anymore."

"I felt so lost in that moment. I was scared and didn't know what to do except do what everyone was telling me too. I wasn't at all prepared for the responsibilities and everything that came with being an idol, I wasn't ready for the hate I received, and I wasn't ready to handle it."

He took a deep breath to stready himself. He clenched his fist so tight, his nails dug into his palms, he swore that he was drawing blood.

"I have no idea what my future will be like from here on out but I hope you all can forgive me for what I've done and for who I've become. I am so sorry for all the pain and anger and any other emotion that isn't positive that I've caused over time." He bowed his head and then turned off the the live.

He leaned his head back, blinking away the tears in his eyes.

He hoped everyone understood now. And maybe even had a bit of remorse for him.

He would understand if they didn't. Look at him. He's a anorexic, depressed, piece of German trash that has anxiety and suicidal tendencies. He didn't deserve forgiveness. He didn't deserve to live or be happy. He didn't deserve his fans. He didn't deserve his members. He didn't deserve anything.

Yangyang felt nothing anymore. He felt so numb to everything. He didn't feel sadness as he read through all the nasty comments. He didn't feel pain as he scratched away at the not fully formed scabs on his cheek. Didn't feel anything. Just empty.

Yangyang felt like he was a shell of his former being. He wasn't Liu Yangyang anymore. He was a shell of that man.

Liu Yangyang was a happy person who loved to tease his members and pull pranks on them. Liu Yangyang would bicker with Ten while they talked to their fans. Liu Yangyang was someone who didn't care what others thought of him.

That's not who he was. Not anymore.

Liu Yangyang seemed like a distant memory now. Like an old friend. Someone he admired and wished to be again someday.

—

_i will always stay as who I am_

_i hope that I will never change._

_like, my heart will never change._

**Author's Note:**

> That was...fun..??
> 
> Also Ten and Yangyang is such an underrated ship I'm- 💀💀
> 
> Just to clarify, in the fic, Yangyang is on a high dosage of anti anxiety and anti depressants which is why he oded so easily.
> 
> This has been bothering me, I feel like eventually you guys are going to get sick of my angsty and kind of repetitive fan fictions but I kinda don't know how to write anything but angst and smut so if there is any other genre you'd like to see from me please let me know and I'll try it out cause I sure as hell won't do it on my own terms haha!


End file.
